I am having a hard time with the voices lately, or maybe it’s my depression. When I am not beleaguered by voices, I feel very depressed. It’s not that I miss the voices or anything, in fact I usually feel elated at first when I don’t hear them. Perhaps I am bipolar. I have definitely felt the roller coaster of mania and the sink of the lows. It was mega. Megalomania.
But that’s not what I want to talk about today, what I would like to share in this post. I have a purpose, a mission. I want to tell you about Angie and Floyd.
They would prefer it if I used their “real” names, but they’re not real people anyways, so I gave them pseudonyms. They were originally based off of real people, I think. They just sort of appeared one day and made my head their own. It felt like someone was invading my mind.
Angie is the positive one. At least most of the time. I think she’s in cahoots with Floyd, however. Floyd continually refers to her as his girlfriend. She’s never actually called him her boyfriend though, or at least not that I can recall. You’d think the feeling would be mutual. It’s strange the personas these voices create. Afterall, they aren’t really real, right? Something in my head created them though, so I suppose they are me, but they’re not, really. They are separate from my thinking. I usually cannot anticipate what they are going to say, and if I do it is instinctual, like trapping something, or like wrestling someone into submission. My body, or in this case my mind, just does things on its own. I think it’s because I have had arguments so many times. I kind of learned the ropes to a good argument.
Although it isn’t really an intelligent argument I have with the voices. Like what I have heard stated before, the voices can only use minimal sentences. Usually a few words or phrases they use consistently. They make the limited breath they have count though, by playing on my fears and insecurities. I will hear a, “you’re a pathetic loser!” or perhaps something more personal than that, that would only matter to me. What is consistent with the voices is their proneness towards magical thinking. Really that’s the only way the delusion they continually use to batter at my sanity can be called. They wish to be real people, who talk to me telepathically. They call it “the gift” or did until that started sounding stupid. I think it started sounding stupid when I first started calling it telepathy.
I don’t understand how they can continually think such irrational thoughts. How I, through them by proxy, can think such irrational thoughts. I think it has something to do with the illness. Delusions and hallucinations are high when brain chemistry is out of whack. Delusions and hallucinations are called positive symptoms, which add something, unlike negative symptoms, which take something away. I usually have more positive symptoms. I suppose I could give Angie the positive domain of symptoms and Floyd the negative. They are like twin empires of schizophrenia. Really Angie and Floyd are both positive symptoms, but it’s fun making characters for them. Hell, I could write whole stories about the voices in my head.
They weren’t the only voices in my head, although they are the main ones in my current life. There was one, who snuck under every thought I had and in a creepy voice stuck to it and warped it. It was sort of like having a tick in my head. He was based off of an old boss of mine. There was another that was independent of the other voices in my head, and was one of the scariest I have ever heard. Hearing it made my hair stand on end. It was the monster in the dark, the banshee in the basement. In the middle of the night, when I was trying to sleep, it would creep up to me and say, “Thanks for letting me into your room.” It didn’t help that I hallucinated and saw it once. Eventually, I became to like that voice. The initial shock wore off and instead excited me, kind of like how spicy food or scary movies become pleasurable. I would use it as my ally against the other voices. I introduced it into their hive mind and it would calmly say, “Thanks for letting me into your hive mind.” The worst voice was the one based on real fear and danger. A detective, who wanted to wrongfully imprison me, was the one that caused me the most harm. I was so scared of him and his cohorts, and when I hallucinated more in my vision and body they were big thugs who felt heavy and dark. In my mind they were going to arrest me. In the climax of that delusion I was on the brink of suicide. But they, like almost all the others, passed away.
The most prominent voice is Floyd. He’s the one who’s speaking in my head the most, besides my own voice. He has a very distinct voice. I used to think he was the only one there, and just changed his voice, but past experience shows that is untrue. I don’t know why my brain has singled him out, he represents only a minor character in my history. I suppose that’s what makes him so sinister. That some minor person is out to get me and ruin my life. At least he has shown himself to me, as you know the most dangerous enemy is the one you are unaware of. I do think of him as an enemy. Even though sometimes with kind words he tries to befriend me in an effort to put me off guard, all I can think of is how many times he has told me to kill myself. How many times he has told me he hates me, how many times he said he would hurt me, and how many times he said he has. Honestly, if he was a real person I’d probably hurt him badly. But that sounds insane, and that’s because it is.
There is no one there. I talk to these shadows, these dopplers, and really I am just talking to myself as I amble down a forested pathways in an effort to forget them. I just want my head to be my own again. It’s strange that talking about them is one of the best ways to get them out of my head. I think I’ll play some Fall from Heaven 2 and get them off my mind for awhile. To end with here’s a quote from one of my favorite insane leaders from the game,
Echoes of a distant past
Bodies die but voices last
Once held within a cell
Your mind is where the voices dwell