I think the voices have gotten worse. They say it’s how it is in the world. That is very hard to believe. They say that I am a retard, and that I come from a family of retards. They say I had my light turned on, that I somehow got, “the gift” but that it doesn’t happen to everyone. Why wouldn’t it happen it to everyone? I think “the light” is from the Beatles, or me listening to Beatles songs. In the middle of all the voices is one voice, a “John” who says he wants to ruin my life because he has nothing better to do. I just don’t believe this. I can’t. If there is a gift, how come people get lost? You could instantly talk to anyone in your head and find your way. Things like GPS or phones would be obsolete, there would never be a need to invent such a thing. I shouldn’t even give the voices the time of day, but when you’re working and listening to them all day it can be hard to shut them off. This is why I am always listening to music, or singing any random song that comes into my head. The voices never sing anything new. They had an original idea today, though. They said, “I thought gloves were all the same” when I put a glove on the wrong hand. The voices are always surprising me in new ways.
They say that I was completely transparent when I didn’t have, “the gift” and that everyone knew everything about me. This again, doesn’t make sense. If they knew everything about me they would. People wouldn’t have to ask me simple questions. Teachers would know whenever a student is cheating or skipping classes. Cops and juries would know whenever someone is breaking the law. They say that people know how to block “the gift,” a feat that I don’t know anything about, besides getting myself distracted.
There would be simple scientific texts explaining this. Whenever I research anyone hearing other people in their head, I come up with telepathy or schizophrenia. I obviously don’t have telepathy. Telepathy is a super power, I told the voices they must all have super powers. When someone on TV on a show gets telepathy it is shown as an amazing thing, but often times a curse as well as a gift. It is shown as a miraculous event, something uncommon in everyday life. Again, the voices say it is because it doesn’t happen to everyone.
So that means there are many people living in the dark. I would be exposing their “gift.” I have not found any solid proof in this “gift,” only guesses and theories. The more likely answer is that I am schizophrenic. The voices would have me believe that people with schizophrenia just have someone with the “gift” who has a grudge against them, or got lost in the massive swirling hive mind that is the voices. It is a hard theory to believe.
It is also a hard theory to shake. This is one of the principle things the voices want me to believe. Why would someone else give a shit what I believe? Just to pointlessly try to ruin my life? They would have nothing to gain, and nothing to prove. It’s not like they would even have evidence of the fact they ruined my life. I suppose they would have personal satisfaction, but to what end would they go to accomplish that goal? This person, this “John” is someone I barely know and don’t know anything about. Why would he want to ruin my life? All I know about him is that he used to work at a grocery store and that he went to church. That’s all. Why would this person seek to destroy me? No one is that cruel hearted.
The voices constantly tell me to kill myself, but the voices have a more sinister motive than trying to get me to commit suicide. They are trying to prove to me that essentially everyone is evil and out to get me. They want me to believe the worst about everyone. They want to trap me in a fantasy world, a world that they conveniently create, even if it is just a warped version of the world we live in. This sinister plot against me, perpetrated by my own brain no less, is too heinous to forgive. The voices would want me to forgive them, so that they can betray my trust and hurt me all over again. I will not seek to justify their deplorable will, and I will not seek further answers into their stories. The voices are voices, and that is that.
But that is not the end. I will continue to fight, every single day I live, against these monstrosities. I will endlessly strive to outwit and outmatch them, to fight them to the bitter ends of the earth to control my fate. It is a battle for control in my head. The voices have underhanded ways of convincing me, whether it be reverse psychology or bullying. Their methods know no ends. They will try all of them and more, but I will never give in.