7/14/2023
Lukas Allen
I was asked to write report on what troubles me and what I struggle with during the day. The conclusion of this report will show my inability to work in traditional settings and requiring disability income. It is hard for me to admit disability, as I believe it is for most people, but honestly, I should’ve gotten disability income as soon as I first had symptoms of schizophrenia, which I’ve had for five years, starting in 2018. My symptoms include hallucinations of all five senses as well as dissociative episodes, delusions that gain or lose intensity, depression and suicidal ideation, crushing anxiety, and agoraphobia.
I hear one voice the most out of others, a voice that calls himself John who is unintentionally based off of a real person, he just simply picked up this persona as I was losing my mind. It is very troubling to me to continue having to hear this same voice I started hearing five years ago, and this voice seems to be very tenacious despite varying treatments I have gone through. Sometimes he has lots of “friends” around him, who are just as eager to hurt me as he is. The voices would be best labeled as “command voices,” meaning they try to force me to do something or believe in something by straight commands. The most common command I hear from them is “kill yourself.” Other times they try to break what I believe in, destroy any happy sensation, or just try to make me feel bad. There is no way to fight or block out a disembodied voice, so I listen to music constantly, to have some sort of quiet against the voices. This voice alone is horrible for me, as the voices attack me when I am vulnerable or off guard, like when I am taking a shower, when I am eating, when I am trying to sleep, or when I am physically working on something. Whenever I am trying to work, I am having a battle against this voice. It’s irritating to try to fix or build something and I have this voice knocking me down with its abuse.
The other symptoms besides hearing voices are lesser, but still noticeable, especially if I don’t take my medication, like when I had a psychotic episode which seemed to last for months. Presences, and not only voices, would assault my mind and body, distort my surroundings and make me fear everything. Just walking down the street in those days was a battle of life and death, as God and the Devil battled for my very soul. The presences forced my body to seem to shut down, like closing an eye and making me hunch over. The presences were actively in my body, as I was myself and them. Strange and vile tastes would be on my tongue, even though nothing was there, disgusting smells were all around me that had no source, it felt like people were touching me, even though I was holed up in my room alone, I had vivid imagery in my eyes of horrible creatures and evil people, and of course, the voices were constant, as they were when I first started hearing them. I need medication if I don’t want these symptoms to appear in stronger numbers.
The presences that can appear in my body happens still, but I have to force my mind around them and away from them. Let me explain a dissociative episode, in a way that allows me to speak directly to the reader. You can picture yourself as you read this, right now, right? Your face is as clear as day, even though you are not currently looking at yourself. If you were dissociating, that face would be someone or something else, their personality would be there as well, and you would either cease to exist or be two people in one form. That is how my dissociation works, and these other characters would be around me as well. Most of the time it was intrusive, unwanted characters seeming to be in my body with me, but I found a few helpful characters of mine to ward back the others, characters from my stories as well as figures in my religion, and even a family member who is long gone. Jesus happens to be with me whenever I need him, I can hear his voice and interact with him. Some could call it a miracle, scientifically it is a dissociation.
Delusions are very difficult to struggle with, like believing I am a savior, like there are telepathic hiveminds of people trying to destroy me, like believing the closest to me are really evil and horrible. My delusions stem mostly from what my hallucinations suggest, and it is very difficult trying to convince myself that the delusions are wrong. When the delusions seem the realest, when they somehow appear in the truth of the world, is the most difficult thing to subdue. Delusions come from trying to figure out what is real, and failing to do so accurately. Delusions are usually comprised of what is dangerous to the person, and trying to protect oneself from that danger. It has taken a long time of reality testing just to get rid of my delusion that the voices are real people, telepathic monsters. The problem with delusions is that the stimuli can seem so very real to someone with schizophrenia. The voices I hear aren’t ridiculous and stupid. They are cunning and sharp, able to use my own intelligence against me, and force me into danger if I am not wary.
Depression and anxiety may be a lesser degree for reason of disability, but whenever I have symptoms, or even think about my trauma I have been exposed to from them, then I become very close to wanting to end depression and anxiety in the most sure and brutal method possible. In other words, depression and anxiety for me is so bad that I want to kill myself to relieve myself of the feelings. As hallucinations become lesser, the feeling of hopelessness seems to grow. It’s not that I want to hear voices, it’s just my fight is different against them than as feelings which come from deep inside myself. When I fight the voices, I am fighting for my life. When I fight against depression and anxiety, the war has become a ceasefire, and I cannot live with myself knowing the war will begin again. Anxiety is bad for me, and when I do become anxious, I become depressed, as I pick at myself over and over again. The only way out currently is to take an anxiety med as soon as possible. Like the other symptoms of schizophrenia, anxiety and depression is nothing to trifle with, and can be just as debilitating as other methods of becoming disabled.
All of these symptoms make me want to run and hide from the world. Schizophrenia is a debilitating label, and people are prone to prejudice against me when they do know I have schizophrenia. The delusions and hallucinations make me feel like everyone is actively working against me, and all I can do is run and hide. Agoraphobia is simply something I’ve picked up after being betrayed, attacked, and abandoned. I want to try to cure myself of it, but it will be a long road.
I have found a sort of therapy for myself against these voices. Music and writing are my preferred methods to battle against my symptoms. When I fill my mind up then I don’t hear the voices. Someone who reads this report may find it more literate than what other schizophrenics can come up with, but that is because I have worked on strengthening my writing ever since I started hearing voices and found out that it distracts me from them. Writing is my sanctuary; writing is my relief. I could go so far as saying writing is my purpose in life, as writing gives me such purpose.
I have schizophrenia chronic, meaning I will have schizophrenia forever, with no way out but medication to reduce symptoms. I have no parent who has schizophrenia, and since schizophrenia is a genetic disease, I was the unlucky one who still managed to contract it. I just want to live life again, be somewhat normal, and not have to fight against this illness alone. In the concurrent timeframe I am disabled, but still working to fight against my illness in any way I can. I regret to conclude I am disabled, even though I would like to wish the disability away, I know that is impossible as of yet. I accept that I need aid. I need help, and I’m willing to accept help.
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