My parents wanted to bail me out as quickly as possible. I was still out of reality. When my parents picked me up, I jumped out of the car, saying, “See ya, suckers!” and ran down an alleyway, wearing no shoes. I wandered around in the middle of the night. Dogs barked at me. I was fearful of being picked up by a police car. I stayed the night underneath someone’s porch. I was thinking about Milagros, and all the terrible things in the world. My phone was out of batteries and I left it there. Later the people called and asked if I wanted to pick my phone up. I never picked it up. My parents were driving around all night looking for me, but I was hiding underneath a porch until morning.
In the morning I got out from underneath and wandered around Racine. I was basically homeless for a day. I walked past the beach, past happy swimming couples. I contemplated stealing a car from an old man. I ate flowers for breakfast. I walked into the library, to hopefully use the computer and use Facebook, but I was not allowed in without any shoes. I walked to the Gateway College and said I wanted to learn here, the guard, if he was a guard, chased me away and talked into his walkie. I just walked away, thinking screw this. Somebody offered me shoes, and I said thanks but I was fine. I walked in the graveyard. I thought of my friend the drug dealer’s number really hard, hoping that somehow he would pick it up telekinetically and help me somehow. I shambled past those gravestones, thinking that I was closer to the dead, I knew the awful truth. Eventually I went to the Walgreens across the street and asked them if I could use their phone. They were very nice and allowed me to use the phone. I called my grandma and my mom. I only left messages, and I waited around the graveyard because that’s where I said I would wait. Eventually I thought they weren’t coming to get me so walked away. I walked to the railroad tracks and thought of which way to go. I could go the way to Burlington, or I could go north. I chose to go north, I don’t know why. I thought I was on my own now. I walked down those tracks for a long time. I asked a kid if I could have some water, and the mother gave me some. They let me keep the cup. I was a travelling hobo, I had a nice shirt on with no shoes. It was green and yellow crisscrossing.
I thought, what would I do in the winter? I had no shoes. I was going to Canada. But eventually I couldn’t deal with it and plopped down by the roadside by a tree. I didn’t care what happened to me. The person in the neighboring house called the cops, and a cop came and picked me up. He called my mother, and asked my mother a question. He asked if I was being looked for, or if I had escaped from somewhere. My mother lied and said it was purely domestic. She’s not a very good liar, but the cop just wanted the best for me and to get me off his hands. He didn’t want to deal with a large case. I remember he kept the car running the entire time, and that bothered me because I was pro-environment, being one with the Earth and all that. I thought I’d be a vegetarian soon. I was way up north and my mom came to pick me up. They traded me off, no questions asked. My mom said he seemed like a nice person. There are also a lot of asshole cops, and I’ve met ones of both calibers. My mom drove me home.
When I was home I was put on GPS monitoring. I went to a place in Racine and they drug tested me and got me fitted with a GPS bracelet on my left ankle.
When I was home I still had horrible delusions about my father. I scratched “Die Dad Die” on a table he was working on with the back of a hammer. I couldn’t believe my mother was with him. I ripped off her glasses in the car, because I thought really glasses weren’t necessary, and said, “Don’t you see?!” I was frantic. I thought danger was behind every corner. I thought the first horrible thing I thought was the truth. I thought the truth was uncovered before me, and that really a lot of people were horrible. My friend came over, and I tried convincing him of the truth. He didn’t understand a word of what I said. He gave me a knife, as a gift from one of his travels. He also gave me a tobacco tin with a wolf on it. I thought he was my wolf brother. In the garage, where I was sleeping because I was scared to sleep inside with my dad, I cut off the GPS bracelet with the knife. I did it right in front of my friend. I think he was just surprised. I didn’t want to stay at home anymore. I just wanted to leave. I didn’t realize the consequences of my actions.
I scratched “Death” on my dad’s guitar. I thought it was my birthright. I took my trombone and my guitar and walked to the family restaurant where another car my dad got, for me, was waiting. My dad had disabled my car motor from my Toyota Camry so I wouldn’t run away. I wanted to become a musician. I even sold my soul on a contract to the devil, to be a rock star. I somehow thought it would be easy. I walked down to the restaurant with my friend in tow. I said to him, “People think I’m Jesus, but I’m not Jesus, I’m Balthazar.” I thought I would be crucified at some point, metaphorically. I think my friend was just worried about me. He followed me down the many blocks. I quoted something from a book I read, Boots and the Seven Leaguers, I think it went like this but I might’ve mixed up the shoulders, “A skeleton will follow you for miles if you look over your left shoulder, but will follow you forever if you look over your right.” My friend went to my right side. We got to the restaurant where the car was waiting. It was white, and I called it the Boat. My friend said he had to go home. I said I was leaving. He wished me luck and shook my hand. I went to the car, I had stolen the keys but my dad drove to the restaurant. He was furious. He said the trombone was grandmas, which it was, and that I can’t take that. He told me that I couldn’t take the car. I said fine and gave the keys to a worker from across the street, a regular at the restaurant. I told him, “Whatever you do, don’t give the keys to my dad.” And I quickly walked off with my guitar slung over my shoulder, like an axe. My dad spent a while arguing with the worker, and that gave me a head start. I walked over the bypass, and was lucky I didn’t walk under it because there were cop cars parked under the bridge. I walked over, and my dad’s van came roaring past. I quickly walked off the road and down a slope into a cornfield. I got lost in that field. I walked many different ways, but some instinct told me which way to go. Maybe just my sense of direction. I was walking to my dealer’s house, maybe he could help me. He was the one who gave me the seeds.
I walked down through the forest and bogs. I cut my jeans with the knife so I wouldn’t get them wet in the waters. I drank from a clear running stream. I avoided a colorful spider that had its web in my path. A dog barked at my passing as I cut through a yard. My guitar was ever with me, slung over my shoulder. I thought aliens were reading my mind, and tracking me. I thought many crazy things. I got to a road as the sky was darkening, and a car slowed to me, but drove past. I was going the right way. I knew which house was my friend the dealer’s. It was nighttime and lamps were lighting up. I got to his house and his dad answered. He gave me some shoes, because of course, I was shoeless. I thanked him for the shoes. My friend hung out with me and we went to another friends. One of them said that he felt like he had a baby in his head, and hoped it wasn’t schizophrenia. I said it’s crazy how the moon is the same for thousands of years. I played guitar quietly outside the house, we had to be quiet so his family wouldn’t notice. I drank water from a hose. I thought this wasn’t a friendly place, like the forest. I wanted to live off the land, and be a rock staar. Eventually me and my dealer went back and went to his girlfriend’s. I stayed there for a while and was fed by her family. They gave me a sandwich. Eventually I wandered away and tried sleeping on the beach. I couldn’t sleep so went back to the house. A cop car slowed past by me then drove away again. I was good at looking casual. I was the beast, in human skin, who would eventually start the apocalypse with rock and roll. I went to the car and slept inside with the window opened on a crack.
The next morning my dealer wasn’t surprised that I slept in the car. I greeted him with a big smile. He thought I would sleep in the car. He said he would take me back to Burlington. The girlfriend didn’t want any trouble and I forcefully told her she would have none. I said, “I don’t even know you, girl.” Which was kind of true. I did know her, but I meant that I wouldn’t say anything about her. Her baby was in the car, a daughter of the dealer’s, and I touched the baby lightly. I thought her innocence was valuable. I was quiet through most of the car ride.
We got to close were my wolf brother friend’s house was, and I said they could drop me off here. They asked me if I was sure, and I said yes. I thought I could ask my friend what to do. I went to his house with my guitar and knocked on the door. He opened and said, “Why are you here? Go home.” and shut the door again. I knocked a little bit more but he wasn’t answering. I sat down on the curb and played my guitar for a bit. I didn’t even know how to play, I thought I’d figure it out. I made a crazy strumming noise. Eventually I got up and walked down the road, to go home. I thought maybe I could talk the GPS people and they’d understand. I thought my dad might not be a rapist. I walked down the road and a cop car slowed to a halt. I swore and threw my knife into a yard. A cop came out, the same cop who arrested me the first time, and went towards me putting on plastic gloves. I said to him, “Leave me alone! I just want to go home.” The cop let me keep walking with my guitar slung over my shoulder. I kept walking and a senior officer blocked my path. He went to me and said, “You’re a good boy.” And pushed down hard on my shoulder. He arrested me and the other cop picked me up. They were going to leave my guitar on the side of the road, but I begged them not to leave it. I said it was my dad’s. Eventually they picked it up and brought it with. I got it back months later, when I was out of jail. The cop drove me the county jail. I told him I was sorry I said I’d kill him, but he just told me not to speak. He played country music the entire time. I hated country.
I learnt later that the cop had a Taser pointed at my back. I also learned that my friend’s girlfriend had called the cops on me, because I was “banging on her door.” I only knocked. I asked my friend later in the county jail over the jail phone why she called the cops on me, and he said he didn’t know why she did that. I learnt all of this from the police report that they give you in jail.