Disgraced Knight

I was always trying to find some hidden meaning to the world. I thought I could find some truth. My psychosis started with a search for enlightenment. I tried all sorts of things. The Bible, tarot cards, drugs, meditation, and other such methods. I never found any truth. In fact, my psychotic truth was that there really was no truth.

Now I hear voices in my head. They call out my name out and make threats, and it is hard to cope living with someone I don’t understand or know much about. I had to search for truth every day to find a meaning for my schizophrenia. But not anymore. I am done finding hidden meaning. The voices say I got what I deserved. Maybe I did, maybe my search for truth went too close to the sun and I got burned. I don’t really know what happened. Perhaps I was fated to fall from the beginning.

An ill wind blows through me. I am transparent, but only to them. My flimsy armor is no match for the chattering teeth rattling against my bones. I am a disgraced knight. I am a man in exile. I must wander the dusty wastes of my mind until I have found peace. Perhaps there is no such thing. I’m alright with that. I have accepted my illness.

Acceptance is only half the battle. I strive to fight the demons inside, my own personal nightmare. They want to stab me through the heart while I’m sleeping. They want to push me off a cliff. They want to ruin my life. I am not alright with that.

I’m talking to you, voices. This is no empty threat. I will destroy you. I will obliterate and dominate you. I will crush you like rocks into sand. You will never get the better of me again. You are not a real person. You are a product of an illness. You disgust me. You fill me with hatred. I have no love for you.

But what if I did feel love for you? Perhaps we could’ve been friends. Perhaps my mind would be a happy place. But you have gone too far. I can never forgive you. I’m sorry but you get what you deserve. An enemy I is I. I fight for, and against, myself.

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