Wolves at the Door

I have a lot of girl friends. Not girlfriends, but girl friends. Girls are easier to talk to somehow, and I just like looking at them. Recently I found out that two of my friends have been raped. It made me frustrated, and in the end just kind of sad. I didn’t know what to do, or what to say to make them feel better. I tried to understand it more, but in the end I will never understand. I thought I was raped by someone close, in the midst of my delusions. All I felt was betrayal and anger. That’s as close as I will come to understanding rape. I just want to take these friends out for a good time and help them forget their troubles.

Rape is a horrible crime. It is quite frankly, evil. It takes one of the best feelings in the world and turns it into a mirror of hell. I don’t think I can ever understand a rapist. I am watching Orange is the New Black right now, and one of the characters was raped. What was interesting is they showed it from both characters perspective. They even humanized the rapist somewhat. In the end the character that got raped, Doggett, forgave the rapist for herself. She forgave him to move on with her life. And the rapist character felt bad for the rape, he somehow made a mistake. I guess I can understand something like that happening in the heat of the moment, but over and over again? I just wanted to punch that character in the face.

In the end there are no winners in rape. It can never be undone. People get scarred, and some never recover. Time and patience is the best medicine when dealing with trauma. You can always experience new things, lighter happier moments, but that trauma will never go away. That is why so many people turn to drug use when dealing with trauma. It makes you forget for a little while. But that solution is only temporary. Your memories will always be waiting for you when you get sober, like a wolf waiting at the door. You have to confront that wolf! You have to put up a fight. My mother was nearly raped and she fought like hell. Fight your demons, because there may not be an exorcist strong enough to silence them for good.

I have never experienced actual rape. But I have had some of my best moments invaded upon and ruined, by someone who is closer to me than my family. A voice in my head has invaded my space, invaded my very body. His name is Floyd. I hate him with a passion. I’m just getting better now from having his dick in my brain for so long. I cannot fight for justice against the voices in my head. I cannot win this fight, except by the act of fighting. I will always be reminded of him in those quiet days. He lingers, like a chronic illness. He is a chronic illness. I may never be free of him for good, but I am trying. That is as close as rape I have ever come to.

I hope that all victims of rape, schizophrenia, and general trauma get better. I will pray for you when the voices are quiet, hell even if they are loud. Have a good day, and always remember to fight the wolves at your door.

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